When clients are distressed, their anxiety disturbs them and us. Intuitively, we want to move on. It’s tempting to focus on the business at hand. Unfortunately, attempts to avoid feelings are usually misinterpreted as uncaring, dismissive, or patronizing, which inflames the client more.
Although counter-intuitive the way to reason is to embrace the emotion. Instead of resisting the emotional flood, help clients release it in four steps:
1. Listen
Listen with care and concern. Pay close attention to your non-verbal messages. Any hint of impatience in your facial expression or verbal tone will agitate the client. The limbic system is highly skilled at reading body language, and the client will react to your vibe. Focusing on empathy for the client’s discomfort is an ideal way to meet their emotional need.
2. Acknowledge
Acknowledge the client’s concern. Summarize the client’s comments, to demonstrate that you take their anxiety seriously. For example, you might say: “I hear that you’re very worried about the economy and how this will impact your financial stability”. Importantly, acknowledging feelings is not the same as agreeing with opinions. You can fully recognize with their concerns without agreeing to any irrational declarations. Skillful acknowledging helps clients release their distress.
3. Agree
Find one place to agree. People are more inclined to move forward if they feel validated. As the client vents, look for a sliver of truth to confirm. Even if you completely disagree with the client’s opinions, you can likely agree that other people are concerned. You might say. “I know that you are deeply concerned about the economy and you’re not alone. Many people are anxious”. People crave social validation. Knowing others are concerned reduces anxiety and helps the client feel normal. This technique further reduces emotion, and raises the client’s ability to collaborate with you.
4. Move Forward
Create a bridge to a productive discussion. After connecting with some agreement, add a transition to move the conversation forward. For example, you might say “I’m so glad you shared your worries. It’s important I understand what’s bothering you. It’s my job to help you reach your goals and feel confident along the way. I want you to feel good about your finances. Are you ready for me to review things with you?” Asking if the client is ready to move on, respectfully gauges their ability to shift focus. The client may sit up straight, lean forward or physically shift to signal their readiness to move on. You will see when they’re ready to take the next step
Repeat (if needed)
If the client reverts to emotional venting, repeat the four steps. It may take a few cycles to clear the emotion, but pushing a client before they’re ready will only escalate their emotional resistance. Once the stress has diminished, you can engage the client in a reasoned discussion. A really upset client may take some time to get calm and stay calm. Be patient, it’ll be worth it in the end.
Take Care of Yourself (too)
We’ve been through this before, but clients often don’t see it that way. When you get exhausted, contact me. It’s your job to help clients. It’s my job to help you.
